Keeping Promises
Posted by Lindsay Lebresco in July 15th 2008
I’m looking for some help/opinions on this one, so take a read and let me know what you think…
Jagger (who is a month shy of 3 ½) has been peeing on the potty since his 3rd birthday (although we had a 3 week regression a little while ago but we’ve resolved that). However, he WILL NOT go poop on the potty. And he’s always had issues with pooping (hope you don’t cause’ if you do, you might want to stop reading now) and has had bouts of constipation as long as we can remember. So- we haven’t pushed him when it comes to this. We figured as he got more and more comfortable peeing on the potty, the next step would come naturally. Well it hasn’t and you know what? I’m tired of wiping his hieny so I have begun to push him to try the potty - with no success.
I forget what brought it on, but the other day Jagger came up to me and told me he was tired of going poopy in his pants and he was ready to go in the potty. Of course I was very excited about that but was a little doubtful that this would be it. So just to make sure I understood and that he was sure of himself, we made our “deal.” This is something I like to do with Jagger. We make eye contact and say “THAT’S THE DEAL” as we shake hands. Besides making a verbal promise, I think this is a good way to attach a physical action to a child’s promise, that way I can remind them “remember, we shook on it?” (as I’m dragging them out of the moonbounce after “3 more minutes.”) Anyway, we made our deal, he made [empty] promises and then we ceremoniously put on his Lightning McQueen big boy underpants.
Fast-forward 3 hours and I’m making Jagger throw his favorite underpants in the trash because he pooped on Lightning. He didn’t like that, he was upset and I was upset. It wasn’t that he had “an accident,” (I saw that coming a mile away) it was that he had broken his promise to me. I want him to know how important someone’s word is – that this is really all we have – our words. I really want to have him understand that you don’t make promises lightly. My husband and I are careful about that and don’t make promises we can’t fulfill (or punishing threats we can’t follow through on) - so how come he keeps doing this? (this isn’t the first time)
So I told my husband, in order for Jagger to really understand how disappointing going back on your word can be, I wanted to promise to put his new pool up that afternoon and then after he got up from his nap, NOT put it up. Cruel? Smart? Too advanced for a 3 ½ year old? Tell me what you think and/or what you would do to help a child understand how to keep promises (and people’s trust).
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This is a hard one. I’d definitely go with your heart if you can. The potty issue is difficult because you don’t know what they are ready for or aren’t, but you know your child and will be able to determine if this type of punishment will be effective. It might be one of those things where you just have to give it a try and see. At his age, I’d say it’s probably not too advanced at all to expect him to understand those consequences.
Steph
Well, I can’t help you on the “deal making/breaking”, but I can offer insight on the potty training issue. My daughter is almost the same age as Jagger and YES, we had the same problem with going #2 on the potty. It was a battle of wills! My daughter didn’t want to do it, but had been successful with #1 on the potty for months. Her evening routine was to hide behind the couch to do her business. Even when wearing “big girl panties” the routine did not change, other than the fact she would go in her panties and then proceed to tell me she had to go #1, and head straight for the potty! ARGH!
I tried everything. She did not respond to verbal praise, funny dances or songs from mommy, stickers, toys, or the LAST resort, a reward of her favorite treat, mini marshmallows. I was concerned I would “scar her fragile psyche” if I forced her to go to the potty when I saw her heading behind the couch. She too has had many issues with constipation. After everything else failed though, I finally resorted to good old fashioned discipline. When she would head behind the couch, I immediately would take her by the hand and lead her to the potty. Of course she was whining all the way, but it had to be done. I would leave her alone on the potty and stay outside the bathroom. By giving her privacy in the bathroom, I guess it was similar to the privacy she felt hiding behind the couch. After a few times it became our new routine with less whining each time. Now she goes back all on her own. I did have to laugh though after the first few times going on the potty, she sweetly asked, can I have marshmallows now? And of course I gave them to her. Chalk it up to another “dirty little secret” of this mommy.
Good luck!
Jagger… I love that name!
I could have written this post !!!!!!!!
I know it is VERY frustrating. My son was potty trained at 3, He went #1 within a day on the toilet. It took him 9 months to go #2 successfully on the toilet. I tried EVERYTHING… charts with stickers on the fridge, rewarding successes. Being disappointed in him for an accident; I was at my wit’s end. I finally talked to my mom in a panic b/c I thought- ‘Great, my child may not be allowed to go to his preschool b/c he has accidents’. My mom, who is a life-long kindergarten teacher told me,
“No negatives. If he has an accident, just say, ‘I know you will try better next time.” (cheerfully) She also reminded me that my little brother did the same thing and that little boys sometimes have a hard time judging how long to wait to go to the bathroom for #2.
When he was 3 and 3/4’s he went to school last september and I warned the teacher that sometimes he waits too long to go to the bathroom- she said to me “Let’s just give him a chance”. I told him cheerfully that he had to go on the toilet and he couldn’t have accidents at school.
SINCE THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL he has not had an accident.
Long story short: It sounds like he is just about to do it… consistently. He’s just waiting a little too long, and he’s not doing it on purpose (just like my son). (I think the sitting down/standing up thing has something to do with it - lots of boy moms have told me the same thing). Maybe a little positive ‘peer pressure’ may help.
Good Luck- again, I think you have almost cleared the hurdle
But I also know that it can be the MOST frustrating thing in the world.