Frenimies
Posted by Lindsay Lebresco in January 8th 2009
I had an amazing time this holiday just relaxing around the house with friends and family – no real traveling for this lucky foursome. But what we lacked in roadtrips we made up in playdates. It seems not a day went by this holiday that we didn’t go to someone’s house to try out their new toys or invite someone over to show off our new toys. Old Friends. New Toys. What’s not to love? Apparently my son. (this clown ain’t laughing)
My son got his first taste of rejection. And not just slight rejection but nasty, in-your-face, meanness that could make any mom’s heart break for their child. I had been seeing some “unfavorable” behavior from one of my son’s little friends for a while now but nothing my son couldn’t handle (or so I rationalized to myself). But recently, the last 3 times with this same child, I’ve seen some downright nasty behavior culminating with the last visit’s, “I Hate You, Jagger!” (though he used my son’s real name, of course :) ) – at least that is what was told to me by my pouting 3 year old upon return from the play date. Jagger said “he’s really mean to me, mommy” with the most pathetic look on his face.
It made me so sad to see my son like that. Clearly his feelings were hurt- this is a child he adores. (not to mention we are friends with the parents). First of all, I don’t really want my child exposed to hateful language as I’m not sure he’s ever heard “I hate you!” before in his life plus, what mother wants their child’s feelings to be hurt? Certainly not me, but I’m also pretty far from the protective side of parenting as well. It left me somewhere right in the middle- lost, that is. Should I talk to the mom? Pretend it never happened and hope the kids work it out? Avoid this family like the plague? Move on? (it’s a fact of life- he’ll have to deal with it sooner or later)
Kids can be cruel to each other- which course do you follow as a parent?
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THIS IS TOUGH.
I kind of brush stuff like that off and my son does too… but it’s tougher when you are ‘friends’ with these parents;
I have found that kind of brushing it off and having the attitude of ‘life is good, let’s move along’ has worked, I think…
my son is pretty laid back and gets along with kids in general and just kind of avoids others that are too rough, mean, etc.
Dear,
Don’t Worry! Jagger and I have started a serious muscle building workout routine combined with mixed martial arts training…problem solved. It’s actually going to Jagger’s head….he now wants to be referred to as “Dr. Death,” and I did not suggest it.
Sincerely,
Jagger’s Dad (and trainer)
It is such a slippery slope when more than just the child’s ‘friendship’ is involved. I’m sad that the little boy hurt my adorable nephew’s feelings, and having been in a similar situation recently I have a bit of perspective. One of “D’s” friends of 5 years has recently taken to name calling and threatening him. I took the stance of talking to “D” and giving him the ’sticks & stones’ talk but also told him that the other child was powerless if “D” didn’t let it get to him. Now, “D” is many years older than Jagger, but it is never too early to have the self-esteem building conversation. About a week after the initial report that this child was really being hateful, “D” came home and reported something truly horrible that this child said. At that point, I felt I needed to step in and talk to the other child’s mom since we are friends. She was mortified, but very relieved that I told her because it gave her the platform to talk to her sons about how words can be as painful as punches. I think in this situation, the parent needs to know what happened, but no blame assigned at all on the parent. Kids come up with this mean behavior on their own, and if this child is being hurtful to Jagger, chances are he’s spreading the hate around. And give that adorable sad clown a big hug and kiss
A couple of weeks ago I visited a relative for a couple of hours. Her son and mine play VERY well together. Well cousin had a school friend visiting and from the get go – cousin and friend were MEAN to my ds. The usual kid stuff (they are 5 & 6) – running away from my ds so he couldn’t play with them, saying they didn’t like him and taking candy and eating in front of him saying that he couldn’t have any – he was made to feel like he was the enemy the whole time.
Since it wasn’t my house and my relative had already spoken to her son – I wasn’t sure what more I could say to remedy the situation. As well – the friend was already over playing when we arrived so I felt like we were the “intruders” and didn’t really have a right to say much. We left early. In the car and for some time after my ds kept saying “B was so different! What do you think was wrong? Do you think something happened? etc.” He was totally mystified (as was I) that this cousin was treating him totally different than he had ever done before.
About a week later the kids saw each other again and cousin was back to normal – I think he even gave my ds an excited hug when he saw him.
Sad. I felt so bad for my son. I wonder if it was the friend that instigated the rejection and cousin wanting to please him went along.
Only good that came of it – opportunity to talk to my ds about how his sister or other kids must feel when they are rejected and not included etc.
It is REALLY hard to know. My daughter has been left out by the neighborhood pack of girls on many occasions (she’s a year younger, and that’s part of the problem; she’s also not one to assert herself unless it involves her sister, and then she is QUITE assertive, ahem) and I am friends with the moms and some handle it better than others. I dunno. I usually let it pass and talk to my daughter about how to handle it, rather than interfere with others’ parenting. It’s HARD though.
that is so tough! nothing makes the mommy monster come out like someone being mean to your kid!
i try and stay out of it – sadly, its a part of life. people will be mean to you, so its best they learn how to handle it. we talk about it and mainly i try to tell them, ‘people WILL be mean to you. but YOU will not be mean to others. remember how this feels.”
good luck!!
Hello Sad Clown Mom,
Have you ever heard the saying “Children will be children”? Well, they will, but parents must be parents. Take time to talk to the parent and the child. It would mean a great deal to all of you. Bad behavior is a part of life as well as good behavior. You must teach them the differents. This will help them to grow, plus it will teach them how to be a friend for the rest of their life. Friendship is very important. Turn that frown upside down. Smile!