Okay…I’m going to get into a lot of trouble with this post. I grew up as the youngest of four, including two older brothers. Winning & Losing was something we did, DAILY! And the whole idea about “it’s okay to lose” was not common language in our household. Actually it was quite the contrary.
Recently, Bear has triggered some conversations around winning & losing.
It all started during the Presidential Election when she stated, “John McCain lost, didn’t he?” Weeks later Bear said to me out of the blue; “Mom, what’s a loser?” My heart rate went up a little, as I’m thinking to myself here’s an opportunity to influence and teach her about one of life’s hardest lessons…winning and losing. We all know it’s those little seeds we plant over time with children. Sure, this conversation at 2 years old may not resonate, but conversations 3, 4, 5 will help the roots develop. So, what do we teach her? What do we say? “Bear, that’s an awesome question” is how I start. “You see, every game has a winner and a loser”, I could have stopped there. That would have been appropriate at two. But I couldn’t help myself, the long pause was killing me, so I added “And Bear, it’s a lot of fun to win”. My husband about died. KIM, what are you doing, she’s two. (now she’s three…I know that doesn’t make it any better.
Weeks later we were eating dinner as a family. LoveBug (5 months old is now joining us at the dinner table in her Contempo highchair). Bear looks over at LoveBug eating her rice cereal…Bear begins to pick-up the pace eating her spaghetti. After 3 or 4 really quick bites, Bear blurts out in a very excited voice; “Look I’m WINNING!”
A hot topic in our office is the differing points-of-view on ‘participation trophies’. I fundamentally disagree with the idea and purpose of participation trophies and not keeping score. Great, hand-out participation ribbons and sure maybe you don’t keep score for t-ball and toddler soccer – but there comes a point where we need to stop protecting our children and let them experience the fun & thrill of winning and the pain & hurt of defeat. We all can remember the impact of both in our lives…it helped shape the people we became. Both winning and losing help us grow. Both can be quite motivating.
Okay, I agree it’s critical to teach our children about losing gracefully. (that seed should always be planted during these conversations). But we all have to agree that winning can be a lot of fun. Sure, nobody would agree with the idea of winning at any-cost, but a good-honest win is great.
Don’t lambaste me for being honest! I would love to hear how other parents address this delicate topic.
Knowing how Kim is, this post made me crack up with laughter. Kim & I can be competitive so I totally understand her point of view. I grew up in a very different environment than she did. We were really not a competitive family at all (it was quite the contrary). I have an older sister who is 2.5 years older. We played the same sports, went to the same schools, but were never really competitive. I don’t think my competitive spirit came out until I was in college & eventually graduate school (where it really flared up!). Now, I have to say that I tell my almost 3-year old daughter that if you win, you get a prize. She is very reward driven so based on that, she tries hard (maybe i found an angle on winning/losing??). I think as long as you don’t make a huge deal about losing & celebrate when they win, then kids will start to understand that it is great to win & will strive to do so–just don’t pressure them too much!!
I am truly blessed with great girls big and small, and an amazing extended family. I win!
What if a person never learns to win…. is that person always a loser?
Kim, I’m with you on this. Kids need to learn and understand both sides of winning and losing. It’s all a matter of striking the right balance.
Although from my personal life, I have to admit that I got the competitive gene — and my parents didn’t push winning or losing at all. So I believe that sometimes the desire to win is simply something that you’re born with
Thanks for the comments. Melissa, you’re aggressive – I’m glad you’re on our team.
Kim, here is a few thoughts to ponder: Do you go to work every day to paticipate?(there are goals) Do you send your child to school to participate (they are graded)Do you send your child to participate in sports? (they do keep score)Being a father if one of my children chooses to serve our country do we send them off to war to participate??
Winning and losing and how we handle it is one of the corner stones of life . We as adults and our children from babies all have our victories and defeats each day . A baby takes a first step –winner A baby falls
trying to take that first step — winner A baby sits on the floor playing with participation trophy is a loser .